ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
