I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize
