Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
