My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
