please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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