homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
