I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
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