i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I am mentally ready for anal.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
