Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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