i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize