Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
