pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Randomize
