This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
