Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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