I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Randomize
