shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
