and next time when you feel me up, do it right
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
