I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
