Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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