I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
I CAN MOONWALK!
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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