if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
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