i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
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