I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
