if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Randomize
