I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Randomize
