He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
