Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
