I will die if light touches me.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Randomize
