Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
