I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Randomize
