So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
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