I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
You ate ashes out of my bong
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize