awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
