Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Randomize
