just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
