The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
