My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Randomize
