I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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