dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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