I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
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