He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Randomize
