The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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