She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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