My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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