Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Randomize
