I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
well, you know. whores of a feather.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
