i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
