There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
