Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
There are leaves in my underwear?
Randomize
