Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
