just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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