I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Randomize
