Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
