I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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