I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
My ass is underappreciated
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
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