Swine flu. Run for my life!
Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Randomize