I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
i hope someone procrastinates by putting up the pics up...
sarah said she can't even post all of hers due to facebook indecency rules
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize