dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
