You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
