He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
