I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
